


If I'm Honest

by AFey



Category: The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 05:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12450987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFey/pseuds/AFey
Summary: Loss & Acceptance.





	If I'm Honest

**Author's Note:**

> A/N 1. Please take note of the archive warning. There is a major character death. So please don't proceed any further if this type of fic is not your thing or if it will hit too close to home.
> 
> A/N 2. There is some happy-ish stuff buried in there.
> 
> A/N 3. There's just one major character death even if it seems the story is heading in a different way. I'm not a totally insensitive monster.

_Darling, if I'm honest  
You've been on my mind, on my mind all day._

_If I'm Honest - Missy Higgins_

 

They said it would get easier.  But that's a fucking load of bullshit.  What they meant was that it would get easier for them. Their own lives lay on the periphery, while you were my sun.  The girls and I forever in your orbit.  We basked in your glow. In the end, we were the only ones so graced with its existence.  The world is darker now. Colder.

Today would have been our anniversary so the memories of you are clearer and sharper and all the more painful.  Our honeymoon in Paris (laying that ghost to rest...forgive the pun) and the dinners at select New York restaurants to mark the occasion when our love was deemed as special as everyone else's.  

I know you're not here anymore.  This gravestone does nothing to encompass the woman you were and what you accomplished.  But it's a place for the girls to visit.  All three of them insisted that we have a place to visit when we wanted to feel close to you. I didn't have the heart to tell them that there's never a time when I'm not close to you. You're in my head all day and in my dreams at night.  Even if I wanted to, there's no escape.

*********  

 _I've been doing all kinds_  
_Of reckless things to forget your face_  
_Like going out on the town_  
_And spreading around  
All that love I kept for you._

_If I'm Honest - Missy Higgins_

Together twenty years and in that time I never looked at another person. There were certainly offers, but why would I settle for some cheap knock-off when I had the original? Your passion for life and fashion, your love for our girls, your love for me. There was never any reason to look outside the world we'd created.  We had everything.  Everyone wanted to be us (I was wrong, you were right...).

But now I'm seeking oblivion in the arms of imposters and has-beens.  Women in Donna Karan and Bill Blass.  Silver-haired men with quiet and commanding tones.  Anything to dull the constant ache. A warm body to distract me from the emptiness that seeps into my bones.  And of course it's all just a hopeless endeavour.  Nothing replaces you. They're all just facsimiles of the priceless first edition.  

Eventually it's Emily who intervenes.  She's been hearing stories.  You know how the gossip spreads in our world of necessary acquaintances and fair-weather friends.  Our British Rose comes to the rescue. I think you'd be proud.  She sounds so much like you when she reprimands me.  Well, she's slightly more La Priestly than Miranda.  Yet it does the job. Perhaps I just needed to know there was someone else that can't forget your face, your voice, your essence.

*********

 _I've been finding all kinds_  
_Of useless ways just to push it all down_  
_Like spinning around, spinning around  
'Til I fall onto the ground._

_If I'm Honest - Missy Higgins_

It's one step forward and more steps back. There's no tidy grieving process. No linear stages for me to pass through on my way to acceptance. Why the fuck should I accept that you're gone before we were ready for you to leave?  I know you were tired of fighting and you stayed until we said we were ready.  But we lied. The world with no Miranda Priestly is pitch black with no promise of light.  

This time I'm being discreet.  No hanging out in seedy or swanky bars. No. I chase oblivion in the privacy of our home (my home?).  Scotch and vodka competing to be my favourite.  Never French wine.  I refuse to sully the memories of our nights together in the study, drinking wine and discussing work and our daughters.  Even this new version of me has her limits.

Turns out I suck at the subtle art of becoming a wealthy lush.  Nigel stages an ambush one night.  He's brutal and direct. He knows the drill.  I won't keep the promises to stop.  I won't get through this without professional help.  He's so very bossy. And wise. There's a reason he was our friend for so many years.  So, yeah.  I'm in rehab. The press described it as 'exhaustion'.  They're actually pretty accurate for once. I'm exhausted living a life without you.

 *********

_It's a shame but it's true  
Nobody loves me the way that you used to._

_If I'm Honest - Missy Higgins_

I guess I've reached some type of acceptance.  I accept that we only get one great love and you were it for me.  I accept that there was only one person who could love me like you did. I accept that there will only ever be one Miranda Priestly. I've always known it of course.  It's just, I accept it now.

I accept that though our girls are now women, they still need me.  It's my responsibility to guide them through their own loss.  To be honest I feel guilty I haven't been their shoulder to cry on.  Their port in this endless storm.  I'm just so grateful they have each other.  Our little family will survive this emotional tsunami.  In a world of sink or swim, we are all gold medal athletes.

I accept that there are other people who mourn you.  I accept that Emily and Nigel are also my family and miss you too. They didn't know you like I did, but they feel the loss all the same. 

I accept that missing you is the burden I will carry.  Always.  I accept that I am strong enough to carry this load.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was tempted to have Miranda alive and them just not together. But after my infidelity fiction, I wanted them to have had an untarnished love affair and wanted them together to the very end.
> 
> Thank you if you read this to the end. To be honest, I have no idea if this hits the mark or not. If you're inclined, please comment. Preferably no flames.


End file.
